


madness curing sadness

by OutlandishWhalesharks



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, F/M, Self Destructive Behaviour, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, hopelessness, thoughts of suicde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 11:45:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17939057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutlandishWhalesharks/pseuds/OutlandishWhalesharks
Summary: As the war between the Project and the Resistance wages on, the Deputy finds her self losing all hope why is it John Seed seems to be the only one who truly cares?





	madness curing sadness

**Author's Note:**

> For this anon request from tumblr - Howdy! Not sure if you're requests are open, but what about a Deputy suffering terribly from depression? Her mood is low, she looks at knives and thinks about ending it, she's tried it before and has been stopped? Sorry, if it's not something you'd do, I just thought I'd ask, and it can be any seed, you'd prefer.
> 
> Title from CONFUSED! by Kid Cudi.

The war between the cult and the resistance had certainly taken its toll on the residents of Hope County and Rook was no exception. It destroyed homes, landmarks and left countless bodies in its wake. 

The cult worked nonstop to break the those still fighting them and Rook continued to fight physically, no matter what they threw at her she kept getting up.

A bullet or knife wound was nothing, she simply mended herself and kept going. But with each battle she found it that much harder to do so on a mental level. Each kill, loss, win and defeat brought her that much closer to the edge.

Before fighting the cult she had struggled with anxiety and was even on meds, they had almost not let her join the force because of them, but after a comprehensive psych exam she was allowed on. 

But that had been months ago and the last pill she took was the day they went to arrest Joseph Seed. She knew that it was bad to quit a medication like that but she really had no choice. It didn't seem that bad at first as the effects really weren't felt for some time as she really only had time to focus on survival. 

Then the Seeds started paying individual attention to her. John was the first to take her. It was when he had her head under the water - his strong inked hands holding her down, those piercing blue eye boring into her - that she began to wonder what the point was. Would it have really been so bad if he never let her up? 

The cult kept getting the upper hand and the resistance seemed to need her for everything, but did anyone really want her? She felt used, only important for what she could do.

In the back of the truck on the way to John’s bunker she had actually looked forward to her atonement, she felt she deserved the pain and torment that John had promised. Then the truck was hit and she was “saved” by Pastor Jerome. After that she easily slipped back into survival mode, simply going through the motions. 

The Baptist did not give up on her though. He would constantly radio her, even when she wasn't in his region. 

The first time was right after her escape. She had found a small cabin and had been heating up a can of soup when her radio sounded.

“Ooooh Deputy why did you run? You think I wont find you?”

No. She knew he would find her again but she didn't feel dread she just felt done. Done fighting him and his siblings, she just wanted it all to end. She didn’t respond, but didn’t turn the radio off either.

A loud sigh came through before he said “I saw that look in your eye Deputy.”

The spoon she was using fell to the ground as his words froze her in place. How could he know?

“You want peace. A place to belong. You feel used by your so-called friends.”

A deep breath left as she reached out for the radio her fingers pressing the button and her own questions spilled out “How-how did you know?” 

“Oh it is so nice to hear from you dear, your voice is simply angelic.” Rook could hear the wolfish smile in his voice.

“Answer the question John or I’m turning my radio off.” 

“You want to know how I knew that you feel lost and used Deputy? That the idea giving up and letting me kill you in that river today was more appealing then fighting us?”

His words left her quiet for some time letting them sink in. There was no denying a single thing he said. Even before this whole thing she had never felt so understood not by friends, family or even mental health professionals. How could this one deranged cult leader get her in such a way?

“Because I have felt the same way. I’ve seen the look you had in your eye in the mirror. But then I atoned for all my sin, I became free. You can too dear, I can give it to you.”

It all felt so appealing and but not something she could reach. It may not have made any sense but she did not feel good enough for John and his atonement, so she never responded. 

Jacob was the next to find her and fucked with her already damaged mind even more. His point was to break her and he certainly did a good job. 

His words “You're a tool” echoed through her mind on repeat. He was right thats how they all saw her both her enemies and her allies. It was always what she could do for them, she couldn’t blame them either what other use did she have really?

Jacob’s trials stuck with her and kept her from sleeping, everytime she would lay down to sleep she would see the mangled body of the animals from his slideshow or an enemy she needed to cull. On the rare occasion she did fall asleep, she would wake up not too long after in screams from nightmares she could never remember. 

After so long without sleep she couldn’t make sense of anything and no longer wanted to. So she took a knife to the soft skin of her wrists, she had started with a shallow incision. At that moment John called her his, voice providing an anchor in the storm of her emotions. 

“Deputy, I heard you had some fun with my older brother?” he says in a teasing tone.

“What is the point of all of this?” she blurts out unable to put up any kind of mask with him.

John seemed to hear the pain in her question as his tone softened “There isn’t a point to fighting dear, but if you come to me I can give you purpose.” 

“I-I can’t keep going John, I am weak.” 

“No your not. You may not be the perfect soldier my brother and the Resistance want you to be, but that doesn't mean you're not strong my darling. You just don't have the right support.”

“And what am I supposed to believe that ‘the father’ can give that to me?” 

“No, Joseph can not give you the support you need, but I can Deputy. I can help you find atonement and give you the wholeness you want so desperately. If you are willing to do the same for me?”

The vulnerability in his voice caught her off guard. Again the thought of John thinking of her than more than a tool frightened her but she felt compelled to answer.

“I want to.” She said in almost a whisper before she promptly turns off the radio and cleaned her arm off. 

It was after that she began to use bliss oil to help her sleep and take the edge off. At first it was just supposed to be one time as the sleep deprivation had gotten so bad she had began to hallucinate. Then the Bliss seemed to be the only thing that gave her any relief form the constant emotional pain. 

Well that wasn’t exactly true, as John seemed have a similar effect on her, but she had been too much of a coward to talk to him. Even though she wanted what he offered desperately she just didn’t think she deserved him, he couldn’t possibly want her like that.

In the Henbane, Faith had found her and gave a strong dose of Bliss into her face. She had felt that same relief but it was so much stronger. The world around her began to change as butterflies surrounded her and Faith took her hand. 

Rook was led to the Father who showed her the destruction of the world. She should have felt fear or something but she didn’t feel anything at all.

They tried to convince her to join them so that they could lead her to peace. But she didn't believe them, they too only wanted to use her. Why would anyone truly want her?

Dep woke up from the Bliss in a mindless panic, only capable of grunting and flailing about. Tracey and the Sheriff looked down on her with worried faces as they held her down and injected her heart with adrenaline. 

Sometime later she woke again with painful aches all over her body and her mind filled of that foggy hopelessness. 

Upon waking she was confronted by Whitehorse, “Found your pack next to ya Deputy, there was shit ton of Bliss oil in it, you usin’ the stuff?”

She tried to bolster “No just found it on some Peggies and thought it might be useful.”

He stared at her with concern like a dad catching a teen in a lie “There’s also the scars on your wrists.” 

“It’s nothing just had a bad fight with the crazy cultists.” again she tried to shrug him off, though she found herself unable to look at him. 

He stayed there staring at her a moment longer, then someone came in saying they needed him for something. “This conversation isn’t over Deputy.” he said with a stern look.

As far as she was concerned the conversation was indeed very over. He didn’t actually care, no one did, he just needed to make sure their best tool was still working right. She gathered her pack and a couple medkits then cautiously snuck out the building ignoring someone as they called out to her. 

Whitehorse had taken the Bliss of course, she would need to get more. She knew that anymore of the drug could see her lost to Bliss for good, but she couldn't find it in her to care. Would becoming angel be so bad? At least if she were brain dead she wouldn’t have to feel this way.

Rain began to fall hard over the Henbane as she left the jail and aimlessly wandered the terrain. 

Rook had only intended to walk through the forest until she found a vehicle, but she just kept walking lost in her own melancholy. She didn’t care that she was soaked through and completely covered in mud. Her skin became cold from the weather until she was a cold numb ache. That fact made her huff in humorless laughter as now her outside seemed to match the way she felt on inside.

Hours passed and the rain started to let up, with only the occasional drop of rain here and there. Her legs were tired and sore from the trek. She couldn’t force herself any further, so she decided to sit in the middle of the bridge, her legs hanging over the bridge.

She looked over the edge at the raging river below and thought of her options. There weren't any really, it all felt like different ways of getting to the same outcome. Death. She could die fighting the cult or she go out on her own terms.

As the river moved underneath her she found herself fantasizing about being lost to its currents. She knew the bridge wasn’t high enough to kill her by simply jumping, but she might be able to do enough damage if she nose dived into the shallow river and let the water do the rest. 

Of course there was always her knives or a gun. She took one of her knives out and began to trace the blade against her skin. At first she only applied the pressure lightly then slowly added more as the sting and sight of the crimson blood made her feel something other than the excruciating hopelessness. 

Lost in the feel of the knife she didn’t notice the car coming from the Holland Valley until it stopped a few feet back from where she was sitting. 

Rook didn’t bother turning her head or hiding what she was doing. If it was Peggies hopefully they would shoot her and be done with it. If was the Resistance than maybe they would finally realize just how broken she really was. Either way she didn’t care. 

Someone got out of the car and slowly walked over to her. As they approached she could see expensive leather shoes out of the corner of her eye. Surprised, she looked up to confirm that the owner was John Seed. 

“Well isn’t this convenient, the woman who’s been causing so much trouble.” he said as he crouched down so that he was at eye level with her, a small smile on his lips. 

Rook could only stare in reply. 

He looked down at her hands, taking in her knife and the blood from her self induced injury, not yet deep enough to cause any real damage. She was absently still dragging the blade against her skin until he reached out to stop her. 

Those same strong hands that originally threatened her, wrenched the blade out of her hand and into the water below. Her eyes followed the movement from his hand holding her bleeding wrist to the knife falling in the river.

The Deputy racked her mind for something to say but only one word came to mind “Please.” She was so tired, she needed help and John seemed to be the only one who truly cared. 

“You want to atone? Be rid of your sins and pain?” 

“Yes” she says in immediate reply.

He paused and closed his eyes at the sound of his favorite word leaving her lips. Then opened them and stared again, considering her.

“I will save you and bring you to atonement Deputy.”

This time she closed her eyes in relief, a single tear trailed down her cheek. The man next to her reached out and used a blood stained thumb to stop it. His palm rested against her cheek and his fingers curled into her hair as they cradled the side of her head. She let out a sigh as she turned into the first touch she had felt in so long that wasn't in self defence or out of necessity.

When she opened her eyes she saw something else in those deep blue eyes, something that looked like want, but she couldn’t believe that he would want her.

Without further warning he leaned forward and kissed her. Rook stilled for a moment her mind unable to process what was happening. At first she wasn’t sure if she wanted it but as John’s hands tightened their hold on her and became almost painful she began to feel something. It was similar to the way the knife felt on her skin, it took away all the emotion and despair running through her and made her feel not so broken.

When he broke the kiss he looked at her again then softly said “I can give you more than atonement my dear Rook. I can give you purpose, I can give you love.”

The last word caused her to look and pull away from him. His hands curled into fists at the perceived rejection until her faint words met his ears “Why would you want me?” 

He instantly softened and reached out to her this time urging her up off the ledge of the bridge. She obliged but still couldn’t look him in the eye.

John grabbed her chin forcing her to look at him. “You are more than a symbol of the Resistance or our Enemy. You are beautiful, irritatingly smart and no matter what my brother says, your strong. You see things in ways the others can’t.”

He paused a moment to let his words sink in and softly kissed her lips before continuing. “You may currently be riddled with sin but I can help take that away from you. Stand by my side my dear Deputy and let me lead you to Eden.”

Staring at him in shock, she never expected the Baptist to be so gentle, she found herself moving closer to him. 

There was a small part of her brain sending alarm bells, the man was evil and couldn’t be trusted. However that part was easily drowned out by all the other parts of her so eager to be loved and to stop feeling the ache of sadness and pain.

She nodded knowing what he wanted to hear “Yes John, please show me the way”

He smiled sweetly at her with a gleam in his eye as he took her hand. The lawyer led her to his custom black Charger and opened the passenger door. 

Rook stopped and looked at him in surprise. “Shouldn't you have one of your followers come get me?”

He laughed “What and miss the ride with you?”

“But - But I’m soaked and covered in mud?”

His smile widened then he pulled her into him and hummed an affirmative “You see how much I’m willing to sacrifice for you darling?” 

John Seed kissed her softly on the forehead before urging her into the car.

Rook still couldn’t believe any of this was happening and stared out the window as he got in the car and turned around. As they head towards his bunker his right hand left the wheel to rest on her thigh. 

When she didn’t react he squeezed her hard sending a quick jolt of pain. She yelped in surprise but couldn’t help to smile and place her hand on top of his.

There were so many reasons she shouldn't have gone with him or at the very least she shouldn’t have been as eager. Though none of it mattered as she looked over at the youngest Seed brother and couldn’t help but feel relief from her internal pain.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> Feel free to reach out to me on my [my fc5 tumblr](%E2%80%9Chopecountylovin.tumblr.com/%E2%80%9D) for any fic or head canon requests or just to scream with me about fc5(:


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